Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
