Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize