You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
