who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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