btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My boob is missing a layer of skin
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
