Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
