someone owes me an orgasm
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
