FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
sex in a hospital.. check
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
