WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
