Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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