My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
