Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
