the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
