Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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