If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
