saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
