He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
