Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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