you have to choose: penises or morals?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
