She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
