I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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