I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize