i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
