We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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