Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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