i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
