You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
