I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
