I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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