You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
