So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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