You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
