i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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