I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
