im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
