I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
