u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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