A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
