hotel room ftw
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
