The maid of honor just puked.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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