My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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