She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
