My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
