Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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