I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
