I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
