i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
porn star boner night. come get it.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
