I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
