i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Found your dick twin last night
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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