can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
