standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize