Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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