Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
not ubering you a puppy
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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