good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
