apparently the secret to your success is patron
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I think my moral compass just broke
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
