I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
