I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
