I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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