Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
