sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
