she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
