I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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