Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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